I love my kids.  Absolutely adore them.  I am thankful for them every single day.  We have been blessed with two healthy, beautiful and, usually, happy babies.  I love the sound of their laughter, their huge smiles.  For my son, already, his smiles are largest when he thinks no one is looking but that is a whole other post.

Did you hear it?  The unwritten ‘ … but … ‘

Now, before I delve into it too much, I want to say: Yes, it was my choice to have kids; Yes, it was my choice to stay home with them; Yes, I am a very lucky girl to have this opportunity.  All of that to be said, just because it was my choice, doesn’t mean I have to love it all the time.  And it certainly doesn’t mean that I can’t miss ‘BEFORE’.

I went for a walk with a friend the other day and by some freak of nature we actually had a moment or two where we were able to walk side by side without the interruption of the kids.  I know, weird right?!  I mean, this actually meant that we were able to string more than 2 words together at a time and have a conversation.  Seriously, I am NOT making this up!  Now, I think it was almost a week ago, where we, again, got a few minutes where the kids were all napping and we got to talk on the phone for longer than it took to say “Which park?  Ok, what time?  Crap, gotta go.  See you there!”  Both times, the conversation turned to ‘before’.  You know, BEFORE.

We talked about BEFORE.  Before life with kids.  Before we gave up life as we knew it and all things we held dear.  Before, when we could pop out for dancing or for a movie last minute.  Before I had a child attached to my boob all day long.  Before, when I could pee alone.  Before I had forgotten what it was like to get 8 consecutive hours of sleep.  Before I became chauffeur to the little people and a slave to their social calendar – for which, yes, I realize I am the booking agent.  Before I had to put a temporary hold on some of my closest friends – whom I miss terribly.  Before my entire identity was tied up in two little beings who have no idea yet that they are their own people outside of me.  Which means, I no longer really get an identity out side of them for a little while.  Before, when I was not so self conscious about my post-baby body … in bed. Before, when there was more time … in bed!

I am so relieved to know that I am not alone.  And that it is finally ok to admit it.  It was nice to be able to chat with someone who completely got it and didn’t judge me for it.  As I say, we are in great company: SillPillowMeAMomForTwo, among others!

I love my kids, but I still remember what life was like before them.  I don’t want to rush them along because I don’t want to miss a moment.  But I have to admit that somedays remembering ‘BEFORE’ is what gets me through the day.  Because I know that soon, the time will come again and I’ll have a whole new set of issues to write about.

If you are a stay-at-home / work-at-home mom like me, you’ve got time to spare. SERIOUSLY! If you haven’t already read this article, go ahead, I dare you!  Don’t worry, according to the article you’ll have time left over to get a tea and watch this video – Katrina Kenison – The Gift of an Ordinary Day – it’s a glimpse at my future.